Chapter 3

The details of daily life are mostly very fuzzy now. I think some of that is just time and distance. I notice that a lot of my memories of other times are the same way. Then again, I’m sure there are things that I have chosen to forget. A form of lying to myself. Considering some of what I DO remember, I can only assume that any memory I have blocked is something that would not improve my life with the remembering. So I’ve made no effort to dig into my mind and root out those lost times. I must trust that if I have hidden something from myself, I had good reason to do so.

Which brings me to one of the valuable lessons I learning on the streets: knowledge of myself.

How can I say that I have knowledge of myself, right after saying that I can’t remember a lot of my life? Because I know who I AM, more that what I’ve DONE. I trust my judgment (most of the time). So if I decided to do something for my own good, I am sure I made a wise decision even if I don’t remember it.

Trust in oneself comes from a deep knowledge of what one is likely to do in most circumstances. People whose lives have always been safe, stable places have no real idea of what they’re capable of… or not. They may think they do, but only a true emergency can test those beliefs. Unfortunately, an emergency is no time to find out that you aren’t as capable as you thought!

There are wonderful stories of what a small woman did to save her child from being crushed by a wall, or what a soldier did under fire to save his buddy’s life. These are the true “trial by fire” lessons we learn about ourselves. While I don’t wish for anyone to be in danger, or to have a loved one in danger, the knowledge one gains of oneself is invaluable.

I have learned that I will eat food out of a dumpster if it is packaged and untouched.

I have learned that I will not rat out a friend, under any threat or provocation.

I have learned that my body will not be destroyed forever by having sex, even if it’s against my will. (Side note: is this really very different from what many wives say they do? If the only difference is that they “love” their partner, then the physical act itself is not any different. It doesn’t scar them for life, why would it scar me?)

I have learned that canned corned beef hash will never look like food to me, no matter how hungry I am. It’s not that it tastes bad, just that it looks like dog food.

I have learned that I can stay awake, without drugs or caffeine, as long as I need to IF I truly feel I need to. Of course, that has faded with age. But it’s amazing what the lack of a safe place to sleep will do for your ability to stay awake.

I have learned that if you know yourself, with a true honesty that accepts what you do and feel, that it gives you a better ability to understand others. You can not properly put yourself in someone else’s shoes if you are unwilling to admit the emotions that go along with the situation. There are certainly things that I would not do, and emotions that aren’t a usual part of my self. But for the most part I can listen to a person’s story and find the place inside of me where I might have done the same thing or felt the same way. Without that acknowledgement within my self, any advice I might give is worthless. It is the blind man telling the sighted man how to feel about the rainbow.